love letter for a person with the biggest heart

I woke up this morning and the first thing came up to my mind is a very special person that brought me to the world. Who has made who I am now. A person with the biggest heart on earth. It is my mother.

Today is special because she is celebrating her 50th and that seems to me that she's in her 30s. She hasn't grown old to me as she stays young most of the time. I mean she doesn't get old like I do. I am the one who has bags under my eyes not her. I don't know why :)

So, the only thing I asked Allah this morning in my prayers was that she'll be given all he strength and courages to pursue her dreams in life. I know that all mothers in the world put off with all he hardships they encounter in life for their children. And they postpone their dreams too. So I am asking Allah to guide my beloved mother in achieving her postponed dreams, and show her the larger than life things await.

I am praying harder today because I want to spend some of my-always-busy-life and dedicate it for her. I know that I have bad habit, we the children usually walk away from our parents as we grow older. But today I want to defeat the bad habit only for my mother. I want to stay beside, closely.

I want to send a happy birthday for my mom and to other mothers in the world who is now celebrating their birthday too!

We are no one without our mom...

I love you, mom (even I don't say it too often) !

a story of evelyn's husband

Do you believe in destiny?
Or do you agree that things happen for reasons?
I do...
Now and then

This is a story about a man,age almost 60 years old. A US navy retiree originated from the philliphines who left his country at age 18 and spent half of his life in the US.

I was supposed to sit at different seat but asked to exchange my original seat by a man who wanted to stay close with his group. And I didn't mind to do so.

That is how I met him. I didn't even ask his name.. I was more interested in listening to his story of life. I guess.

He was reading a book when I was about to sit. And we exchanged polite smile and asked formally where our destinations were. He said he headed to Manila.. For good, he added.

My wife died 24 days after her 61st birthday last august. It was a heart attack that took her from me. Even though I was the one who had by pass for my heart problem. She was the stronger and healthier. But she left me first. Alone. As we never have children. It's my fault he said.

We were about to take off at San fransisco airport when he said 'this is it' I am leaving for good to overcome my memories of my wife in this city. She left too many finger prints here and I can't stop thinking of her.

I was so sure he had tears when we took off. He hid it from me but I felt his sadness as the plane's flying higher.

He said he had no regret at all. He met his wife in San fransisco and lived together happily with her until she passed away. I just don't want to die here alone. You know, he said. I don't have any reason to stay here. No one will take care for me.

I sold my house and its furnitures. Don't need them, he said everthing in my home just reminded me of Evelyn, his wife. It's too painful. So he sold everything to his neighbour. And packed his new life in Manila. Where he has brothers to stay in touch.

How did she die? I asked after a while. I hope it wasn't too personal.

We were having weekend as usual and she asked me to join her for shopping. Why don't we go out together on this beautiful day, she said? And he was getting ready for his wife.They got into the car, when she said she couldn't breathe. He kept asking what happen until she didn't move again. Forever. He didn't even have the chance to start the engine for her. 911 came when it's too late. It's my fault he said. If only I knew how to help people when heart attack came, she could have been alive today.

Well, it's wonderful you were with her when she died. She must be really feeling loved and safe. Because most of people who have lost their beloved may not even see until the funeral. So you are lucky, I said.. I really meant it.

We both were thinking.. About life. WhAt is left behind and what to pursue. He continued reading a book by my favorite author. And I was reading a book who was written by Albom, the author that wrote the book he was reading. I don't think it's just coincidence.

He taught me something last night. Love and beloved.

San fransisco, November 6 '09

lovely days

Lovely day spent with lovely people
When I put every worries aside for a while
And feel the blessings of the Merciful
Poured into my bags of life

It's my lovely day
And I want to have it repeated
Days after days,
Month after months,
Years after years.

It's my lovely day of life

precious family

I am thinking of my mom tonight
Wondering how she has been doing lately
And what has kept her busy for the last couple of weeks ...

When I grow older and have my own children
Will I be able to keep a distance from my beloved kids
Like what I want my mom is doing right now
Not that I don like being near my parents
But I think that we the children will behave better if we stay at some distances
I mean us sometimes say the meanest things to our parents, right?
Even if we don't mean disrespect
We do things that piss off them just to try their patience

Well I do those things
I recall myself doing that
Years and years
And don't know how to fix the broken heart
Of theirs ...

But I think of my parents often as I grow older
I like recalling he old memories
Of my happy childhood
I mean I had those happy times
And we were really happy
For that time

When I have my children
I'll make sure that I won't have the mistake repeat itself
I'll make sure that I show them when I care
And what I care the most
To my most precious ones
My family

thanks, brother

Just in case I didn't tell you
I wanted to say Thank You
For helping around the house
By cleaning up the bathroom.
When I found it really neat this morning,
I thought you should do it more often ;)

PS: you can have my new headphone in return, brother!

Missing Life

What are you missing in life?

Some people say it's the bigger house, fancier car or more furnitures that are missing that they try to fulfil those needs by working extra hours and spending less hours with their family. One must sacrifice something in life to obtain something they say.

Some people feel at unease with their spouses and say that they are missing the true partner for life. So they begin hunting new partners regularly without realizing it becomes their habit. Well we have to make sure that we live with our true partner for a happy life, right? That's what they believe. So the hunting never cease..

Some say, all I am looking in life is peace at mind. They go to yoga class, meditation, self-help courses and even see psyciatrist to gain such peace. But when you see they life they are living, everything is just the contradiction that keeps peace at mind away. They think help is from outside. When it should be coming inside..

In life, we are always kept busy to find the missing puzzle that needs to be found for ultimate happiness. So we are well trained to see others' life and compare with what we have. And try to invent new life to live. That is how when we start missing our true life...



October 15. The first loss I’ve experienced.

My grandmother, a woman who has a big heart, passed away just one week before my schedule to visit her in Jepara. I got all the tickets and plans to do with her when I arrived there. But, I didnt get the time. She left me earlier. A week.

There are many memories I’ve had with her. When i was in Dumai, she spent some times with my family. I remember it’s quite a long time. And i remember she used to read newspaper. Everyday. When i think about it now, i realize that she’s one of the intelligent women i’ve met. She read politics, economics, culture and many things. I was in elementary school at that time. Not big enough to have intelligent conversation with her.

My family lived in Dumai, a small town in Riau at that time whereas she lived in Jepara, a thousand kilometres away from my home. So the chance i had to meet her is pretty much a fancy thing. Everytime i saw her, she got older. More grey hair. And skinnier. Until she died.. That’s what my mother said.

I moved out to Bandung and attend a high school there. We’re less separated. Bandung and Jepara is not that far, right. They are both in Java. But, i didn’t go and visit her that often. I was still considered a little Nana. It’s not safe to travel alone for high school student and bla and bla and bla. So, i missed the time to spend with her as well.

My graduation came, and i got accepted in Yogyakarta. A 4 hours away from Jepara. Less distance but still, i didnt get to visit her that much. That time was better, i think since my mom came to visit me quite often so we used to go back to Jepara. When i saw my grandmother, she was a totally different figure. Lacking the energy, skinnier, and sometime she forgot things.

Time flies and leave you with regret if you dont use it wisely.

I moved to Jakarta.

Jepara is further. But i have more resources to use. I’ve got money, right. But again, i dont have the time. Not that much. So, i hear news about grandma from my other relatives.

I finally went to visit her in October 24. But this time, i visited her in her grave. The final destination for all human. I cried over her grave. I was so sorry of myself for not being able to meet her a week before.

I saw her bed. It smelled the same. I saw her wheelchair. It was still parked nearby her bed. Aku hanya melihat jejaknya saja. Without figure.

In memoriam of Uci. 2008.